Though I have heard the term before, yesterday I realized what having an existential crisis means. My therapist must have said it at least 7 times yesterday during my session. My life was interrupted by Covid19. The moment when I realized I couldn't breathe on my own, I called 911. I was rushed to the hospital. There I spent 5 days in solitude; in prayer; in rest; in reflection.
I hadn't had time alone in over 8 years. I realized that I had been on a hamster wheel chasing something. I had completely lost myself in being a wife and mom and entreprenuer and daughter and motivation speaker and mentor and coach. I was living my life exhausted, bitter, and quietly depressed. Keeping up appearances, make up flawless, doing speaking engagements, teaching classes, helping the kids with their virtual learning, fulfilling wifely duties and carrying on my life of details...empty.
Something happened in just 5 days alone in the hospital that changed everything. It's like I had been living in a fog and all of a sudden, the fog has been washed clean. I honestly am still exploring what really happened. Maybe I had been so exhausted that 5 days of rest cleared my brain fog and helped me see things clearer than I have since becoming wife or mother. Maybe it was the amount of time I was able to spend thinking and praying and reconsidering life as I know it. Maybe it was having a brush with death that made me realize what was really important. Maybe it was prayers from all over the country reaching God's ears about me. Just me. Regular me. But important me. Me that keeps my family together. The me whose presence keeps the gears of so many other lives turning. Maybe my life does matter.
I'm aware of how dramatic this must sound. I'm realizing that there was something inside of me that was trying to kill me. Let me just say that I believe very strongly in the spiritual realm. I believe in spirits and demons and God and Satan. I'll be discussing this more in detail over the next 8 weeks. Anyway, there were spirits inside of me trying to convince me my life didn't matter. Not overtly, but certainly a quiet background thought. In the throws of depression, I told myself that my kids would be ok without me. My husband is very structured and disciplined and organized. He certainly is my adultier adult. I can be messy, and unconventiionally quirky, and silly and I started to believe that my life maybe didn't have that much value. It's a strange thought for someone who teaches self confidence. This should have been evidence to me that these were not my thoughts but a spirit. I couldn't see it clearly until now. Even when I wasn't depressed I made a conscience decision not to manage my diabetes. I chose to ignore it.
In the hospital the doctor said to me, "You seem like a really intelligent person. I don't understand how someone as intelligent as you are, could have an A1C of 10. " I was semi offended but and I explained to him that I had controlled diabetes perfectly when I was pregnant last year with Addison. Her life was in my hands and I put my fears and feelings aside for her. Immediately after I gave birth to her I no longer had any intention of managing my diabetes. I explained that I'm in therapy for that reason. The doctor replied that we all need therapy for something.Then, he walked out of the door.
Since I've been home from the hospital, I've been checking my blood sugar before and after meals and taking the prescribed insulin religiously with little effort. Why had it been so hard for me to do this before? There was a "mental block" against me doing what I knew was necessary to live. I wasn't just not checking my blood sugar and not taking medication, I was eating butter pecan ice cream with extra pecans and a dash of coarse salt and baking tollhouse cookies almost every night. Fully aware that eventually the day would come that I woulnd't wake up. The spirit inside me convincing me to passively kill myself. That spirit that went inside the hospital with me...didn't leave with me. I'm different. Even my kids look different to me. Things that were difficult before, just ....aren't. In the next few weeks I will explore why that is. What happened in those 5 days, what I learned, and how I'm changed.
Because I'm a Virgo, I have to organize these blog post and live videos into to topics.
Week 1; What are we chasing? Why?
Week 2: Authentic Self Image -Why do I argue when people compliment me?
Week 3: Rest. Why is prioritizing rest so important in this burn out culture?
Week 4: Letting go of things I cannot control is "Self Care." How to release control.
Week 5: What role does forgiveness play in self care? How do we release bitterness and resentment and replace it with peace, joy, gratitude and love?
Week 6: Deliverence. What is it? How does it happen? What to do afterward?
Week 7: Rest. Again. Self Care. How to enjoy the process instead of constantly chasing an ideal of perfection. How to get off the hampster wheel and become divinely aligned.
Week 8: Asking for what we want. How to clear out the assumptions and communicate like a grownup.
I hope you will join the conversation via live videos and this blog. I'm working through this myself and as I find answers, I'll share them with you.