Why is it so hard to take a compliment?
It's because what we believe about ourselves contradicts what the compliment is saying.
When people say kind words about me, and I can't see what they see, I have a tendancy to argue with the compliment, or toss it back in their direction.
Here is an example: When I look at myself in the mirror naked, I only see that my body is way out of shape and getting older and scarred by the baby's tiny sharp finger nails and that I still have marks left on my arms from my hosptial stay.
When my husband calls me sexy, he pokes me with his index finger making a sizzling sound to imply that I'm hot. My reactions is, "really? awww thanks." I've had to grow to this. I used to argue and tell him that he must be blinded by his love for me or his standards must be awfuly low. This used to seem like harmless humility. I'm realizing now how damaging that is.
Here's another example. Recently, I was telling a friend my theory about making rest a priority. She said something unexpected. She said that I can rest because I've accomplished so much and most other people, including herself could't just rest. Immediately, I began to wonder what the **** she was talking about. Then it dawned on me as she continued to explain that she considered me to be more successful than herself.
This woman who has been a mentor to me, a support to me, a role model to me couldn't see her myriad of accomplishments that I saw in her any more than I could see the the success she labeled me with. Weird.
Why is it so hard for us to see the good in ourselves, authentically. Not a false self confidence, but a true belief in all the amazing things that we are. If we are amazing, why do we criticize ourselves? Where does that voice that tells us that we aren't enough come from?
When people tell me that there is something special about me, doubt rises up inside me and tells me that they may be wrong. What if I'm not extraordinary? It tells me that I am regualr and in many areas of my life less than average. When people say I'm pretty, though I know that I am, the doubt tells me that I would be so much prettier if I lost 50-80 lbs. The doubt statement or negative self talk waters down the compliment before I can ever really accept or enjoy it? Why do I do this to myself?
I heard a quote on instagram that said, "Our minds keep a tally of the negative words we say about ourselves, even the silent words (our thoughts)." This is why when we accomplish something great or we receive an unexpected compliment we can't get excited or fully accept or celebrate it. Because the number of negative thoughts and words we've said about ourselves so outweigh the positive, when positive comes, our minds won't allow us to rejoice. In the back of our mind we believe what we've said about ourselves being not good enough and that diminishes the good feeling from the accomplishment or compliment.
Where do the negative thoughts come from? Society? Words spoken about us or to us? Unrealistic expecations of ourselves? Comparison? The enemy?
All of the above.
SOCIETY
Society tells me that my hair is not beautiful, my lips are too wide, I weigh too much, and I am not successful until I live in a big beautiful house with a back yard in the suburbs where the wind can blow through my girls hair as they run care-free through the freshly cut bright green grass. Because media and now social media constantly bonbard me with images that show me that I'm not enough and that I don't have enough, my mind may start to believe this to be true.
Thankfully, we don't need society's approval. We can choose to create our own standards. We ourselves are the standard of beauty. We define for ourselves what success looks like. Maybe success means peace of mind to one person and freedom to another. Maybe success is raising our children to be good people. Maybe it means not having children at all and traveling the world. Whatever success means to you, don't allow society to pressure or rush you into downing yourself. You will be a success in your own time and in your own way.
Create a gratitude journal. Remind yourself of your accomplishments and beauty and wins and give thanks for them.
WORDS SPOKEN ABOUT OR TO US
This is a big one. We internalize the things that other people say about us. Our mind keeps track of each time we replay the hurt in our minds. Maybe it was something that was said to us by an adult in our childhood. Maybe we believed it to be true because it was coming from an grown up and we were small. Maybe it was something said by another child that stung deeply. Maybe recently someone you value said something hurtful or insulting to you. Maybe you've spent time dwelling on that statement and why it was said.
Either way, we are not defined by what others say or think about us. They are (or were) flawed flesh and blood like we are. It is our responsibility to stop replaying the tape. Stop living in that moment and choose to release and forgive. Everytime your mind replays the negative thing said, say back to your mind, "I forgive ____________ for saying __________. Perhaps they were unaware of the damage it would cause." Eventually you're mind will align with your intention to forgive and release it.
UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS OF OURSELVES and COMPARISON
There are times when our expectations of ourselves are unrealistic and/or unattainable. Maybe you gave yourself a timeline to get things done and you weren't able to complete the task in time. Maybe you are comparing yourself to someone else who you feel is smarter, prettier, wealthier, or more successful than you are. Maybe you see someone that you started out with is now thriving and you feel discouraged like your turn will never come.
Give yourself grace. Let's refuse to criticize ourselves. Instead let's encourage ourselves by celebrating small victories. Let's focus on the things we do have and give thanks. The bible says, "he/she who compares himself/herself to another is unwise." Why do you think that is?
President Theodore Roosevelt said, "Comparison is the theif of joy." If we spend our time looking at how green the grass on the other side of the fense is, we forget to water, fertalize and groom our own grass.
Comparison is a downward spiral because there will always be someone with more of the thing you want. There will always be someone who looks better or who seems more successful. Gratitude is looking inward at all that we have and are and realizing we have it pretty good. We take for granted many things that others are dreaming of and praying for.
Water your own grass.
THE ENEMY
This for one is the most important. It's a difficult one to discuss publically because we don't all have the same belief systems and upbringing. I happen to be a very spiritual person who believes in Heaven, Hell, God, Satan and his demons. We will be discussing this is more detail in the upcoming weeks.
Certain spirits will come to tell you things that contradict the word of God and what it says about you. The bible says that we were carefully and wonderfully made. The spirit of discouragement and low self esteem will come to tell us that what God Himself created is in some way flawed or lacking something.
The word of God tells us that God has not given us the spirit of fear, but instead love power and a sound mind. The spirit of fear and axiety will tell us that danger lurks around evey corner and we should hide away from the world or make fear-based decisions.
The bible says we can do all things throught Christ who strengthens us, but a foreboding spirit will tell us not to try because we will fail; because nothing like that works out for us.
When we are in a given situation, it's hard to discern our own thoughts from the voice of the enemy.
Practice this:
When you have a thought, ask yourself, " Did this thought come for God or Satan" If we get in the habit of discerning our thoughts and their origins, we can recognize the next course of action.
The devil is a LIAR. We know that anything he tells you about yourself or anyone else is likely a life or, at very least, a partial truth. God cannot lie.
So, if we think a thought, and we discern that it didn't come from God, what should we do? Well that depends on your level of spirituality/faith. There are certaintly levels. If faith comes by hearing the word of God, then you can measure your level of faith based on how much word you digest. With that said there are two responses.
The bible says resist the devil and he will flee from you. The word resist simply means
"to exert oneself so as to counteract or defeat"
To counteract or resist the words the enemy speaks, use God's word. If you don't know a lot of scipture, you can google scriptures about what the enemy is trying to attack.
For example, if the enemy is attacking your self worth, google "scritpures about self worth." If the enemy is attacking your finances, google "scriptures about lack/abundance/finances" Commit some of the scriptures to memory.
The enemy doesn't just come to talk/lie to you about you. He will most certainly come to cause division between you and others. Have you ever had someone dislike you and you've literally done nothing to them? or you don't even know them like that? The enemy likely wispered something to them about you.
I've seen it in marriages (especially mine), the enemy will come and wisper in my ear that Charles doesn't find me attractive and that he is lying when he says I'm sexy. The enemy will come to him and tell him that I am rejecting his compliment and therefore I am rejecting him.
More frequently the enemy will run a list of all the things I've done that day. He'll say, "You've nursed the baby at night, still got up in the morning with the girls and made sure they were dressed appropriately for virtual learning, made a full breakfast and ate with the girls, made a separate breakfast for the baby and fed her, the LEAST he could do is wash the dishes. You should refuse to wash these dishes to show him you aren't some maid to be taken for granted while he pretends to be sleep or scrolls Facebook." At the very same time the enemy will go to Charles and say, "I work hard every day dealing with clients and their attitudes to provide for our family, I'm up with the baby at night, and I did the laundry last night, too. She's lucky to have a man like me. The LEAST she could do is wash these dishes in the sink. What kind of man does she take me for?"
The next thing we know, both of us have an attitude and there is an argument brewing out of thin air. We are breathing hard, and slamming doors and the enemy sits back and laughs.
The truth is we are both tired. We both work hard. We both should do our honest best and then rest. The enemy is never going to have to extend grace or empathy. Those are godly traits. To resist the the enemy I recall this scripture:
That way it stops being a competition of who is the hardest worked. I saw a facebook meme that said, "I'd rather have a discussion than an argument. A discussion is to find out what is right, An argument is to find out who is right." Though Charles and I aren't perfect, through counseling and anger management therapy, we have learned how to properly communicate and resist the enemies voice when he talks about us to eachother.
The second way to counteract the enemy's voice is to bind him. This is for the more spiritual and faith-filled. We will talk more about that during the Transparency Tuesday about deliverance.
Now, that we know the causes of negative thoughts and words about ourselves: Society, Words spoken to and about us, Comparison and unrealistic expectations, and finally, The enemy of our souls and some tools to address them, I have one more strategy to share.
Think about the words you say about yourself. Think about the harsh criticism and even the those subtle jabs at yourself that you tell in joke form. Then ask yourself: Is this something that I would say to a loved one or close friend? Well, is it? Would you disrespect someone you loved deeply by telling them they aren't good enough for whatever reason? Probably not. Remember you should love yourself at least as much as you love others. Extend that same courtesy of not being overly critical to yourself.